Lesson 5: Mealtimes are meant for conversation more than food
by thirteenchrysanthemums
Summary: Kondo learns that footsie isn't the worst game to play at the table.


Kondo was minding his own business, he really was.

Sticking to his quiet routine that all dignified Shinsengumi officers have, because what honourable samurai didn't have a routine? It's not about learning new things after all, it's about doing the same thing every day and getting better at it. The more practice you have, the better prepared you are for the next time you do it.

Preparation is key.

Years of practice have taught him how important it is to bring the right equipment for stakeouts. And right there, hidden under the kotatsu of his gorilla queen, was the perfect time to put his high definition night-vision goggles to the test.

Don't get him wrong, he wasn't a pervert. This was his noble way of making sure Otae's legs were safe from potential harassers. Earlier today he had happened to hear her talk to her coworker about having guests over for dinner. Unfortunately, he was kicked out of the cabaret and beaten to a pulp before he could find out who the visitors were.

But Kondo didn't need to hear anymore: he knew what he had to do.

Purchasing the newest version of Gengai's night-vision goggles, he crawled under her kotatsu minutes before she returned home from work where he remained in hiding. Who knows what intentions her visitors could have? Dinner was completely harmless on its own, but the possibility of someone playing footsie with his woman during the meal was too high for him to ignore.

The purity of his maiden's ankles were at stake!

Yes it was a slight change in his routine — from watching her below the wooden planks of her house to watching her from under the table — but otherwise his pattern would remain undisturbed. And so, curled up in the darkness below the kotatsu he waited for the guests to arrive, hell bent on protecting Otae from the real perverts out there like the gentleman he was.

* * *

He was slowly drifting into slumber when a knock on the door sounded.

"Anego! I'm here."

Hearing Otae shuffle around frantically, Kondo kept his lips sealed and fastened his goggles around his head securely.

The door slid open.

"Thank you for coming Kagura-chan and…"

"Don't mind me nee-san," he stilled with dread. That monotonous drawl was too familiar for comfort. "I'm looking for Kondo-san."

Of all the guests she could have invited over, why did it have to be _these two_?

"I see," her tone was suspicious, filling the commander with hope that she wouldn't let the man in.

Luck wasn't on his side today. "Come in anyway Okita-san. I've made enough food for the three of us."

He heard a snort and footsteps getting closer to him. "You clearly don't remember how much China eats." Waiting with baited breath, he narrowly avoided a run-in with his subordinate's trousered legs as the two sit down at the kotatsu, side by side.

"That's odd." Otae called from the kitchen, "Kagura-chan never ate a lot of my fried eggs."

Above him the Yorozuya-girl laughed nervously. Kondo held back a chuckle when he saw pale fingers pinch her companion's thigh none-too-gently, followed by a hiss from the younger officer.

"Is that so?" Sougo's voice was loud, and he could picture the smug grin on his subordinate's face as he continued, "She always talks about how much she loves your cooking."

"Really?" Kondo could hear the smile in Otae's voice, revelling in it for only a second before he noticed the tightening of Kagura's fingers on the flaxen-haired man's hamstring as she pinched him even harder. "I'll give you an extra plate of tamagoyaki then."

At that moment the commander didn't know who to feel more sorry for: his comrade whose leg was still trapped in the Yato's vice-grip, or the girl who was about to eat an extra serving of the brunette's cooking. Even though instinct told him to sympathise with the latter, his love for the culinarily-impaired woman won out in the end, concluding that anything made by Otae was a gift sent from heaven.

Kondo's fantasy about the hostess making him plates of dark matter was brought to a standstill when he noticed a shift in movement. Tilting his goggles slightly, he watched as a bigger hand grabbed the slim wrist joined to the fingers on Sougo's thigh, prying them off of his leg.

"You dragged me into this," Sougo whispered just loud enough for Kondo to hear from below them, his hand still clasped around Kagura's wrist. "You'll pay for it."

Eyes widened in surprise: Sougo was here for the Odd-Jobs girl? Since when did they do anything other than bicker and fight? Despite his confusion, Kondo was unable to do anything else but silently wither away in suspense when Otae returned to the dining table with two bowls of dark matter. As the pair thanked their host for the questionably edible substance, he couldn't help the feeling of betrayal lodged in the pit of his belly.

Wasn't Sougo here to look for him?

"I didn't ask you to come!" She continued when the brunette left to fetch her charred onigiri. Kagura's response was fierce albeit hushed, "I told you to go fuck around with another girl today because I'd be busy!"

Kondo wasn't sure if the ensuing pause was real or in his head. At that moment he didn't care. His head throbbed in pain with the newfound knowledge. First he discovered that these two weren't always at each other's throats, which was a big step for him since he could hardly believe Sougo would spend time with a member of the opposite sex outside of fighting. Sadistic role-plays be damned, the man couldn't land himself a stable woman to save his life.

But now these two were doing #$&* and %$#?!

Had Sougo really grown that much?

He was torn between being proud and jealous. On one hand, he had always felt like a father to young Sougo (of course with Toshi as the boy's surrogate mother) and now he could finally celebrate his boy becoming a _man_. On the other hand, how could he not envy the bishounen for snagging himself an attractive woman — albeit psychopathic and overly violent — when he couldn't win the heart of the one woman he cherished?

"Fuck around?" Kondo didn't need to sneak a peak outside the kotatsu to be aware of the wry smile on Sougo's face; the bitterness in his tone said it all. "You think we're just _fucking around_?"

Another pause followed, the hidden man observed Kagura's free hand clench the fabric of her qipao from the corner of his eye. Kondo's heart was in his mouth as he watched what appeared to be a shoujo manga unfold before his very eyes, with two people he knew acting as the main characters.

"Is that a trick question?" Her voice was small, _hesitant_ , and Kondo was surprised at how vulnerable she sounded in front of her rival. Then again, were they still rivals?

Sougo stretched his legs out — almost touching his superior's beard with his toes — as his hand relinquished it's hold on the amanto's wrist, slipping downward to envelope her hand.

A sigh made its way to Kondo's ears, accompanied by a chuckle. "You really are an idiot."

Footsteps from the kitchen get louder and the commander was certain that he wasn't the only one who noticed it. Watching the movement of his legs as Sougo moved closer to the redhead so that their sides were pressed up against each other, Kondo had to strain his ears to catch the man's words, "I'll show you what fucking around looks like."

Before he could ponder his fellow officer's words a pair of legs emerged from behind. Curling up just in the knick of time to avoid coming into contact with his beloved, Kondo banished all thought about the youngsters' scandalous love affair to fully appreciate the beautiful sight of Otae's slim legs no more than five inches away from his face.

Her clean-shaven skin shined with a luminous glow in his goggles, the lack of hair on them a stark contrast to his fur coat. But instead of being dissuaded by it, his love for her only grew in fervour.

Opposites attract, didn't they?

Besides, even if she had hairy legs his love for her wouldn't falter. If she could love a man with a hairy asshole, he could love a woman with a cactus for legs.

"Sorry for the wait. Let's eat!"

"Itadakimasu."

"Itadakima-ah!"

Carried away by the moment, Kondo would have sunk his teeth into the unsuspecting woman's flesh if not for Kagura's sudden gasp pulling him out of his trance.

"Kagura-chan, are you alright?"

Turning his head to look at the pair, Kondo's heart almost stopped beating right then and there at what he saw. She was definitely not alright.

What female would be if the man sitting beside her had his hand on the inside of her thigh, getting closer and closer to—

"I'm fine Anego," she managed to choke out, her hands quickly coming to halt the younger officer's wandering hands.

An awkward silence ensued where the young couple were too absorbed in their under-the-table dealings to carry on their conversation. Kondo himself wasn't paying attention to what was happening above him; he watched on with fearful eyes as Kagura's hands gripped his subordinate's forearm.

It is then that Kondo realised he might be protecting the wrong woman from being mishandled under the dinner table.

"Well then let's eat." He could picture the shit-eating grin on Sougo's face.

"Yes. No more interruptions! Kagura-chan since you love my cooking so much, why don't you start us off?"

Kondo closed his eyes in a childish attempt to block out the inevitable. the redhead would have no choice but to start eating, meaning that she'd remove her hands from his dirty-minded comrade's arms, giving him all the access to her *ahem* _lady-parts_ that his perverted heart could ever desire.

Was _this_ what Sougo meant by showing her what fucking around looked like?

He was ashamed at the younger man's behaviour. Not only was he tainting an innocent woman's purity in a public place, but he was literally doing it under Otae's nose. Sougo's sadistic tendencies may get the better of him at times but Kondo always thought of the officer as a good kid who was just misunderstood.

However, one could hardly misunderstand his intentions with his hand groping Kagura's thigh like _that_.

There was no way he could look his subordinate in the eye after this display. From here on out every time they converse his mind would always wonder where his hands have been. Talking to the Yorozuya boss again would be impossible, every sentence uttered that didn't involve telling Gintoki about how his daughter was manhandled would be another knife in his back.

Most importantly Otae would never love him now, not if she knew how perverted her in-laws were!

"On second thought," Kagura's voice was eerily calm. "Anego do you have diarrhoea pills? I think I caught a bug from being too close to the Sadist. Gin-chan said that if you go to the toilet during dinner your food will taste like your crap."

The brunette happily obliged, eager to leave the tense atmosphere. Footsteps faded away into the kitchen once more and Kondo opened his eyes to find the Yato's fingers dancing along the waistband of Sougo's blue trousers.

"Two can play this game Sadist."

Sougo stiffened and Kondo felt as though he was being sucked into a porno.

Lifting the waistband of his trousers, he watched helplessly as Kagura lifted her other hand out of his sight — was she getting something from the table? — before it too appeared directly above his crotch. Kondo would have looked away respectfully if he hadn't noticed her holding something in that hand.

Something that looked a lot like dark matter.

Before he could react, she slipped the unidentified substance into Sougo's pants.

The reaction was immediate.

"AAAAHHHH CHINA! YOU BITCH!" Sougo's outcry could be heard from outside the house as he twitched in pain at the sensation of piping-hot discoloured tamagoyaki burning away at his private parts.

Removing his hand from her thigh, he didn't have time to reach into his pants and rid himself of the acidic substance.

Otae's steps were hurried. "What happened?"

Sougo was silent.

"Nothing," Kagura chimed from above, "Sadist was just mad that I finished his plate and mine before he could taste of your food."

Rubbing circles on her belly, she wasted no time in adding. "I'm really full now Anego. Can you give my helpings to the Sadist?"

"Nee-san it's al—"

"Of course! You're still growing man."

"I'm twenty fo—"

"Do you not want to try my food?" Even from under the table Kondo could sense the killing intent underneath Otae's sugary tone. From the way Sougo's legs stiffened, it was evident that the flaxen-haired man heard the underlying threat as well.

With a resigned sigh Sougo conceded. For the rest of the night all the police chief could hear was the clink of chopsticks hitting porcelain and a woman stifling her laughter.

* * *

"Thank you for having us over." Kagura and Sougo chorused as they stood by the door, the latter discreetly attempting to adjust his trousers.

Otae beamed at the young couple, tilting her head at the young man's fidgeting. He had been squirming in his seat the entire time and barely ate his food. Perhaps he was not feeling well today?

"Thank you for coming. It's always a pleasure to see you Kagura-chan. Please drop by soon!" She waved at them, a grin adorning her face as she watched them walk away. In the distance she observed their backs, giggling to herself when Kagura suddenly bellowed in laughter and smacked her companion's butt only to shriek when Sougo grabbed her wrist and sprinted off to god knows where.

"There's nothing as sweet as young love," Otae whispered to herself.

"Yeah." a voice sounded behind her.

The brunette scowled, marching up to the kotatsu to drag out the animal hiding underneath it. A gorilla stared back at her, waving sheepishly.

"Actually, I think I've found something sweeter than young love." Her smile was lethal, promising a fate worse than death.

"A-and what's that?"

* * *

Kondo wakes up in the hospital with no memory of the past week.

* * *

 **My humor has been lacking recently. Need to watch Friends. Apologies for the unfunny attempts at being funny.**

 **Love you guys! Have a great December break :)**

 **To read the Vietnamese translation for this lesson, copy and paste the link below (add the "https" part at the start and the ".-c-o-m-/" (without the dashes in between) after "wordpress") into your search bar:**

 **ngoaikhoibobiencuathienchua. wordpress 2016/07/08/fic-dich-to%CC%89ng-ho%CC%A3p-thirteenchrysanthemums-gintama-lesson-1234567/**

 **All credit for the translation goes to the lovely Ginoki!**


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